for such a time as this

Notice anything different about those two pairs of shoes? (Besides the laces, of course.)


Give up?


I'll give you one last look.

The shoes on the left in both sets are road virgins. They have never once taken a beating from asphalt. The shoes on the right, on the other hand, have experienced the glory that is road running. I got these shoes a few weeks after the Tulsa Run and it's been freakishly cold since then, so they have been restricted to the elliptical and the mats at my gym.

Frankly, we were bored.

Okay, so I haven't been the best blogger lately, but bear with me. I am wide awake and here to tell you about the best run I have ever had. It was preceded by the note to JT in my last post, so you know it had to have begun well.

Picture this: it's sunset, and a glorious one at that. You run the perfect distance: three miles without breaking stride. The temperature's about forty degrees, but the wind has calmed down just enough to let you breathe.

It was so beautiful that I started singing. I know a run is going to be ultra embarrassing when I sing, because I already make fellow pedestrians suffer by run-dancing and reciting verses in trochaic pentameter to the tune of my footfalls. One guy saw me, but it was dark, and he had a Weimaraner, so he must have been cool. No harm done.

I'm still baffled by the song that came to mind. It's from a CD I stuffed in a drawer long ago when I decided I was over the cheesy CCM-type music; you know, the type of song with the strong vocals and the exact chord progression of all of its contemporaries. Here are the words:

I've often wondered what's eluding me
The yearning meant to free me from complacency
But the way is steep
And a storm may come

For such a time as this
Isn't it much too great a risk
I've never flown from the edge of a cliff
Never walked on the water
But if I turned away
How would I know what I have missed
Have I waited all of my life
For such a time as this

sometimes the thrill of soaring
has to begin with the fear of falling

Now that I think of it, I know why this song came to my mind. Today I had a heart-to-heart with my seventeen year-old brother in the kitchen. He has a lot of decisions to make in the next couple of years and I told him to make sure he didn't put off being the man he wants to be until he graduates from high school or college or medical school or gets married or has kids.

It's true for me, too. While I never want to make a wedding decision again, I also have to heed my own advice or else weeks will turn into months and months will turn into years, and dreams will become memories forgotten that disappear into some corner of my subconscious and leave my life to find its quality elsewhere. (Did Freud just roll over in his grave?)

Listen up, friend. There will always be a next step with a new excuse. Happiness and fullness of life and the footsteps of Christ and service to other people should not take a backseat to work and busyness. They don't cost a thing. They can be had simply by making a decision.

I'm going to start by picking up a book and soaking every word of it, even --daresay!-- literary books. I will start with Borges, in English instead of Spanish, despite a massive and very bloody internal battle when I used my 25% coupon tonight at Borders. And I will enjoy myself.

I will allow myself to slow down and relax. Just like my turtle jogging pace, it's not a race. But it sure can be fun getting from A to B!

2007

I can't believe it's over.

It's been the strangest year yet. When it began, I was freshly graduated and moved back to Tulsa against all better judgment, where I had no idea what I would do or how I would make friends.

In 2007, I...

• started the year off in a hotel room with some of my friends who had taken it upon themselves to take a VACATION to Tulsa of all places. I'd just spent 6 hours in the Portland airport coming home from my roommate's wedding.
  
• fell in love.
  
• got engaged to the love of my life!!
  
• lost 30 lbs and changed my lifestyle significantly. Still losing!
  
• went from barely being able to run a mile to running 9 miles in the Tulsa Run!
• started my first real big girl job.
• started my second real big girl job.
• changed career paths 3 times and tried to go back to school when I was still burnt out. Bad idea!
• visited oregon and south padre island.
• was introduced to The Ragamuffin Gospel.
  

So, let's recap.

In 2007, God was wonderful:

In a single year, my career aspirations went from making bank with a job that I hate, to starting at scratch schooling for physical therapy, to romanticizing a technical writing position that was basically a glorified data entry job, to where I am now in a job I have grown to love. Jobless to job I love because JT had a friend who had a friend.

In a single year, I picked up The Ragamuffin Gospel because it was recommended by an anointed artist, the late Rich Mullins. Instead of being guilty about my shortcomings and trying to make up for them with selfish motives, the author Brennan Manning showed me how God gives us permission to be free from sin and embrace it, not as imperfection but as a picture of grace and redemption. Because I picked up one CD that told me to read a book, I see God's love in an entirely different light, and what the book says about the Bible is right: true love and relationship free from rules and guilt has transforming powers!

In a single year, my steel determination to focus on a career and stay AWAY from men was forgotten for a man who is so good to me, makes me laugh everyday, and inspires me to grow individually. My fiance's example has gently challenged me to improve my habits, my attitude, and my appreciation for life not because he demands it from me, but because he inspires me and has finally led me to believe that I am worth being the best I can be. Because some friends randomly moved to Tulsa, I went from not knowing how I was going to meet someone to a woman months away from her wedding day.

As I look at where I am now compared to where I was on 01.01.07, I choose to recognize God's hand and His power to change a life and set of circumstances in a minute.

chocolate and stress

This is for Robyn...

As if we weren't expecting multiple high calorie days last week, we somehow fit in our cake tasting on Tuesday. It's going to look something like this, alternating white and chocolate cake with buttercream frosting and filling and NO FONDANT except for the cherry blossoms. That morning before work, I decided I should probably check some different cakes to get ideas. When I saw that picture in my Google Image search, it was love at first sight. I am confident it will be love at first bite, too!

Here's a little pearl of wisdom for anyone who faces stress in their life:

.dance.

Tonight I wasn't feeling well. We got out to look at the Rhema Christmas Lights (I know, isn't that ridiculous?) and there was music playing over the loud speaker. So I danced. I embarrassed the love of my life in front of a crowd. My arms were flailing, my feet were off rhythm, but I was dancing. And it fixed everything; no lie!

Also, if you're stressed, this movie quote might help:

"I used to live my life worrying about tomorrow and then I did some research and discovered something important...10 out of 10 people...die." - Bella

girlcrushes

Everybody has them. Whether they are out of admiration or sheer jealousy, every man has a mancrush and every girl has a girlcrush, except the term "crush" takes on an entirely different connotation than it does for the opposite sex. Girlcrushes aren't infatuations. Here's what urbandictionary.com, the definitive source of everything cool, has to say about the topic:

The admiraton one girl has for another. It could be to do with hair, body, make-up, car, clothes, career, talents etc. Completely non-sexual. Girl crushes are generally very short-lived, as girls move on very quickly from trends.

Anyway, here are mine.

Jennie Finch.

Olympic gold medalist for the US Olympic softball team, she is a woman who can pull off being six feet tall and athletic. I am nowhere near six feet tall, but I think that strong and powerful women are beautiful! She is a talented pitcher and hitter. She has worked hard. PLUS, she is a hott mom. She tried out and made the Olympic softball team just six weeks after giving birth. Do you understand what that means?


Giada DeLaurentiis.

Expert on Italian cuisine. A woman who, for all purposes, appears comfortable in her own skin. She hosts a cooking show on Food Network that showcases her ability to whip parmesan cheese, linguine, tomatoes, oregano and other ingredients into delicious Italian cuisine. She has the touch, the uncanny ability to throw random mix into a food processor and create these beautiful hazelnut cheesecakes and three-cheese pastas without spilling, poisoning, or maiming. Maybe it's because she was born in Rome, but I can barely make a beef stew for my fiancé! Giada also has great style. Then again, if I had the resources she had, and quite possibly, the personal style consultants she probably has, I might be able to expertly coordinate wardrobes that make me look like a million bucks, too.

Anne Dayton and May Vanderbilt.

They are published co-authors who have developed a unique voice that combines wit with a tender, brutal honesty. Their foot (feet?) have wedged through The Door. Don't know where that phrase comes from, but three books and soon to be four, have found their way into my local Borders Store and into my hands and the hearts and minds of Christian girls who crave to relate to someone -- even hapless characters in a book. In fact, I went to the largest bookstore in the US, and it was sold out of their latest release. I also admire these girls for having grad degrees. They are smart and savvy, a combination that is hard to come by these days. I have moments where I am smart, but savvy is compromised for comfort and eclecticism far too often.

I'm cutting this short with four, but you can bet I'll be adding more as I think of them. Who are your girlcrushes?

Competition

There are many forms of it. Friendly competition that builds camaraderie. Unspoken competition that gradually deteriorates friendships. Open rivalries. Competition to advance in some way.

My pride should have taken a major fall, but it wasn't too bad. My team, my beloved Texas Longhorns lost by a touchdown to OU. That's only a big deal because a) I am a Texas fan living in Oklahoma, and b) my boyfriend graduated from OU, lived in their stadium, and absolutely loves those Sooners. JT has been very graceful about it. I think it's because OU only beat them by a touchdown. Some predicted it would be a blowout. Both teams, and the entire Big XII for that matter have a lot of work to do! Anyway, I pictured a big show of exaggerated celebrations and dramatics during the game, but that was kind of muted because JT was as sick as a dog. When it was over, the outcome wasn't the typical end of a competition, just an attitude of so that's that.

I have been a competitive person my entire life. It's in my nature as a human being, as the firstborn and only girl of three children in my family, and as my father's daughter.

In sports, I was incredibly clumsy, but I went out for the team every year. It wasn't natural ability or winning that kept me signing up every season, it was my competitive nature. I have missed playing sports because my life is much better when that kind of adrenaline, strategy, and power is incorporated into my lifestyle. I am determined to play indoor soccer again and develop fundamental skills so it looks like I know what I am doing out there.

I am running in the Tulsa Run two weeks from Saturday. Sometimes I wonder if 15K is too much for a first race. This is coming from the person who broke stride in footraces on the playground when it became apparent that I was going to lose. It's different, running. It's not a team sport; your success is totally dependent on your ability. I have worked, but not too hard. I can run 6 miles on a good day, but my runs are becoming more inconsistent. I suck wind and jog at a snail-like pace. I average about 11-12 minutes per mile, which is fast compared to my track record. (HA! Yes, pun intended!)

Even though I've been running for months, I've developed habits but no consistency. I'll run three nights one week and one night another week. On my days back from a couple days' break, I can run farther and faster. When I've gotten enough sleep, carbs, and protein, my performance is better, who would have known. Some days I run six miles. Other days I am struggling before the first mile marker. I just need to not be so self-conscious. I need to take the Truffle Shuffle out there and ignore everyone else during the race. I need someone to tell me that even if I can't run nine miles, and my pace is much slower than everyone else's, it won't hurt to give it my best instead of giving up and making excuses.

Confession time: I am a very prideful woman. I hate not being right, not being perfect. I would rather be bad at something than be great but not perfect at it. Just for kicks, what do you consider the best way to douse a competition that has gotten out of hand? How do you lay down your pride and agree to disagree when arguing with someone?

I think that learning how to exist peacefully with people is one of the most important things to master in this world, and that laying down your pride and approaching a person to talk things out is key in those baby steps of learning. Even though I will never be perfect at it, this is one thing I will not hesitate to try.

Lost and Found

I haven't gotten directionally lost in a long time, and when I am lost, I usually capitalize on the situation by exploring the area and seeing what new things I can learn about my location. Saturday, we were painting JT's kitchen when we discovered that my mad corner painting skills were impaired by old brushes. There's a Lowe's five minutes from his house, so I volunteered to exchange an air filter and stock up on brushes. Well, I ended up getting the wrong brushes. I got chip brushes, which are used for woodwork and much too small for our task at hand. (I know, right? I asked myself why send a woman to Lowes? Because my track record for painting proved that I would be much more useful on this trip than trying to get work done myself!)

So I had to go back and I was pouty and disappointed that I had been having female moments all day. If there's one thing I hate less, it's living up to the typical female stereotypes. (I only have brothers, if that clears things up.)

There's Lowes at the Green Marker. Somewhere, somehow in the midst of feeling sorry for myself, I turned too early and ended up on the Broken Arrow Expressway. Whoops. Oh well, JT doesn't have to know. I turned around on the next exit. There weren't any signs, but I figured doing a DIRECT U-TURN would put me back on the same highway, just going west toward Lowe's. Almost immediately, I realized that I was getting further from civilization. There were no highway markers to tell me what highway I was on or which direction I was going. Furthermore, I drove about fifteen minutes with no sign of an exit.

Then I relented.

I called JT.

After assuring him that there were no highway markers to speak of (I'll feel really dumb if I missed those!) He told me to call him when I had a chance to turn around. That chance didn't come for about thirty minutes. I ended up:

I told you, I was far, far away from civilization. And worse, my fuel light was about to come on. That's only happened once before, and I was determined not to panic this time, so I trusted that I could get back on air.

After some investigation, I figured out how I managed to get on the wrong highway by doing a direct U-turn. I ended up on the same highway, except still going east, I think. You would have gotten turned around, too if you had to work with this kind of geography. Check this sucker out in the middle of the map...it's intense!

Before I went to Lowe's, I got gas at the nearest station, which was pretty old-fashioned. And by old-fashioned, I mean no pay at the pump service. There was an old man pumping next to me. He was SO cute and looked sharp and grandfatherly at the same time. We struck up a conversation about gas prices (at which point, I realized I was pumping the wrong kind of gas into my car, but it wasn't diesel, just ended up paying more) and how we wish ethanol would become more mainstream.

In the middle of our conversation, the saddest thing happened. His wife came out of the car and started yelling at him. I don't know what he did wrong, but she was screaming at him that he was stupid and never paid attention to what he was doing! I turned away politely, and my gas pump clicked finished. I wanted to say goodbye, but the man wouldn't make eye contact with me. As I got into my car, he was walking into the store and his head was bowed and his shoulders were slumped. He had the saddest look on his face and my heart broke right there. When I got to Lowe's, I was determined to salvage the female gender. I asked a boy of about twelve for advice on paint brushes, saying I got the wrong one last time and needed a man's opinion. His chest puffed out and he began telling me everything he knew about brushes in the deepest voice a boy who hasn't gone through puberty can manage.

By the time I got back to JT's house, I had been gone over an hour. He had his arms open to me and lip curled out like he felt sorry for me for getting lost, but I couldn't stop thinking about the old man. He held me for a little while and I told him about my experiences. And I needed it. I didn't understand how wounded I was for that old man.

If you skip over this post, because I know it's long, just read this part alone. That gas station experience made me realize how important it is for women to respect and defend their men, even against her own self. It doesn't matter how he's treated you or what kind of lapses in judgment he's had, no man deserves to be emasculated by a woman with a sharp tongue and a cruel demeanor. Women, if you think that real men are a dying breed, whether they're domineering or have no backbone to speak of, then rethink the messages you send to men. Don't take a man's fire away by cutting him down or bossing him around. Encourage him, build him up, and let him know that you need him, but at the same time, don't patronize him. Defend yourself with the truth if you need it, but be patient with him, and try not to let disagreements turn into personal attacks. If you want a man with fire, then don't extinguish him.

End soapbox!