Festering

I have been sick since Monday with strep throat. This is the worst case I've ever had, though. On Monday, I recorded my temperature at 103.8 degrees. My tonsils are swollen. My throat is flaming red. I can't swallow without nearly crying. My neck can't be touched and it can barely hold my head up. I've had the worst pressure headache I've ever had. Monday the joints in my back ached so much it made it impossible to stand or sit in a straight position. By Tuesday, every swallow made my stomach feel more sick, and that feeling continues today. Every night, I wake up every hour, on the hour. So you can see, my life hasn't been a picnic lately.

Today, my boyfriend is leaving for three weeks. He's going on one last road trip with one of his best friends whom he is also moving to Washington State. They are going skiing in Vail, camping in Utah, and lots of things I can't remember. They might even be staying with my Roommate's family in Hood River, Oregon, which I am thrilled about! He came to visit me twice last week even though I was on the verge of death and he still likes me even though I looked, smelled, and sounded horrible. He is so wonderful. He took care of me!

Well this sickness forced me to miss all of my classes this week. I am pretty much done anyway. I don't think I have enough energy to catch up in my classes. No mental fortitude. I'm going to start looking for jobs as soon as I get better and don't sound like a little fat kid anymore haha. I am back to the drawing board, pretty much, and it's going to take the Lord to open up the doors for me.

Depressing and Doubtful

Things in life would be so great if I just couldn't think.

I graduated from college, did something most people don't ever have the chance to do, and I did it well. I loved it, worked hard, and was ready when it ran its course.

Then there was nothing.

It was either move back in with the parents or move down to Austin and start a life for myself.

Then physical therapy happened. I'm beginning to think it was just something to do, something to try, because I had no other options. Now, I am unhappy. Everytime I think about school, I cringe. Everytime I look at a textbook, the corners of my mouth (more appropriately, my depressor anguli oris) die. Everytime I go to class, my heart is heavy. I am disorganized, I am behind, and getting back in academic shape isn't important to me. I have senioritis, but at the beginning of my journey.

It could quite possibly be the prospect of four years exactly like this one, no money, no social life (except Jef, he's wonderful) but that's giving myself too much credit. You see, I'm not convinced I would even make it into physical therapy school. Moreover, I'm not convinced physical therapy is what I want to do anymore.

Even though everyone around me has been incredibly supportive of my endeavors, my parents most of all, I know I'm only staying with PT because there's nowhere else to go right now. I am safe in my parents' house, with school as a crutch to be free from adult responsibilities. School used to make me feel safe, but right now, it feels like walls closing in on me.

I've never quit anything before, and I don't know how.

Normal

What to blog about:

1) I told off an internet "acquaintance" who asked me to text him after maybe two messages and STILL gave me drama. How do these people find me?
2) My e-mail inbox now proudly boasts an invitation to an adult kickball league in Tulsa.
3) There are three majors tests/quizzes next week. Are all teachers prescribed to the same curricular rubric?
4) A girl in my night class told me about a job opening at a local hospital in the next couple of months. It would give me excellent PT experience, but I'd be working almost full time and taking classes at night. It's nice to have an option, but I think this is impossible if I want to go to PT school by Fall '08.
5) Lab Partner and I were the last to finish again today. We are slow but accurate and learn a lot as we go along. He asked me if I was a Christian tonight. He said he asks everyone and why, because every once in awhile he comes across one and just wants to make sure. "It's tough love," he tells the people who are combative about it.

There. Now I've told you about lots of new things that are happening in my life and I still don't feel guilty for blogging while I should be studying. I know this stuff anyway.

Oh, just after I clicked "Publish" I thought about something that's been on my mind lately. When I think of being a physical therapist, I steer toward the athletic rehabilitation, of course. But another image comes through my mind.

I picture babies and toddlers, born with congenital spinal and developmental disorders. They need back or leg braces, walkers, or crutches, because without them they can't support their own weight or center of gravity. I can picture them smiling and laughing because they don't know anything's wrong. Their instincts aren't enough; nature doesn't teach children how to walk with prosthetics and orthotics. I want to help them more than anything.

Maybe this is the idealism every person going into the health care field experiences. I realize that it won't be like this. I will have parents, loved ones, old people yelling at me. People will be injured, debilitated, frustrated. But it will be worth it to me, and this is the greatest motivation in the world.

Reserved

Today I made a very important reservation. How do I feel about it?



this about says it all...

On a more urgent note, let's brainstorm for a job that's really flexible. I am beginning my search today and can use all the help I can get!