Wednesday, June 4, 2008

the waiting game

WARNING: Portions of this post may not be appropriate for certain viewers. If you aren't a big fan of the TMI, this post is NOT for you!
I have been counting down another important day since I...
I've had a blog started with those words that has been abandoned since 10 May 08. Its original ending had to do with my freakish obsession with getting my hair cut since the second I got engaged, which by the way, I did.

Now that sentence has an entirely different meaning.

You see, the moment you get married, (I guess for others, the moment they decide to sleep with someone), you have no indication that your contraception of choice is effective until that moment -- that prized confirmation -- affirms that you are scot-free for another month.

Due to a series of complications involving having to take a counteractive medicine, I was a little antsy for that day, but I refused to fall into that paranoid pit that most newlyweds don't even see coming. The pit of calendar-watching and overanalyzing every twinge your body makes. Nope. Wasn't going to do it.

But then a week went by. I called my doctor and two married friends. Take a test to put yourself at ease, they said. There's no way you could be pregnant, though. So I went to Wal-Mart after work and bought a pack of two. I felt a peace as I sat in the public stall, praying nobody would come in. It all felt pretty scandalous even though I'm married now.

Three minutes went by and the results were in. Was that a vertical line? I called a married friend. Is a faint line the same as a darker line? The tone in her voice told me any line means it's a positive. And these were 99% accurate tests.

My stomach leapt to my throat and caught. It stayed there for hours as I bought a digital test, convinced that this one was faulty. As I drove home with the tests carefully stuffed into the pocket on the passenger seat, I wondered how and if I was going to tell JT without knowing for sure. When I came home, he was talking and laughing on the phone. He was joking with a friend about booking a Greek isle cruise for four. Make it five, I thought.

I mouthed, Get off the phone, and he did, still laughing. It crushed me to see him so happy. I told him I wasn't sure, but there could be a possibility. We both kind of drained and just sat there. I put on a pot of pasta and took another test. Another plus sign. We ate our dinner and talked about what we would do, what we should do, what was there to do? I took another test, digital this time. Pregnant, it said matter-of-factly. I think when I saw that one it really sunk in. We lamented our three week honeymoon and had a somber and sweet night. We researched false positives online on every site we could find and there was nothing to be found. The only mistakes these tests supposedly ever make are false negatives.

The next morning, I called the doctor and the nurse was speechless. Come in for a blood test, they said. Let's make sure. So I got pricked and prodded and returned to work with my stomach in knots. I went to my parents' house and told my doctor dad what was happening. I remember sitting in his study with fat tears rolling down my cheeks as I explained what three positive tests could not deny. He looked in the hospital database for my blood test results and they were negative.

Negative? Was he sure? Did he know how to read those right? Yes, the amount of hormones in my blood was so low that it was undetectable. The machines couldn't even read it. Once that sunk in, I was so relieved that I actually started laughing. We checked the home test packets and they apparently have to read 25 units of hormone or more for a positive report. Something couldn't be right. Another home test turned out positive. A second blood test the next day was negative. I was not, in fact, carrying a lima bean.

Thus the waiting game commenced. And it just ended today!


Anonymous said...

So . . . you're NOT pregnant?

lindsey said...

yay for Aunt Flo! Its time she paid a visit! I hope she came with the fury of 1000 suns!

Allison said...

Oh good! I'm glad that you and JT will have more than a "three week honeymoon!"

Anonymous said...

glad you're back :)

Alyson said...

Hey. I'm on your f-list over at LJ (alysonl), we met at the dietingsupport group. I never friended you back *embarrassed* because I wanted to be sure we had more than weight loss in common, my LJ isn't a weight loss journal it's a life journal. And then you stopped posting, and then...

I was just going back over your entries and found the link to this blog. Since your last LJ post said you'd just gotten engaged, I decided to wing it over here and see how married life is doing for you. Found this entry.

It brought back so many memories, so many sensations. It's too freaky the urine tests all said yes while blood tests said no, but I'm happy for you for the way it turns out.

Children are wonderful. You and JT are going to just love the experience, when the time is right. I'm glad that you get more than three married weeks before diving in, though. :)