We've all run from Him, thinking in vain that we can hide from Him, or at least if we don't make too much of a commotion that He won't pay any mind to us.
God's grace bewilders me. I can't even listen to certain songs that talk about it without being emotionally floored. It's too wide and deep and great for me to grasp, but I must grasp that I am a part of it and have received it and can take part of it.
Let me share with you my burdens, but in doing so, I want you to accept them as the width and depth and greatness of God's love for me. Because I believe that He will heal me and restore me and deliver me from these things and their effects.
Probably the most prominent thing on my mind right now is the wedding. 78 days. I feel like a heifer. I have always promised myself that I would look my best for my husband on my wedding night and my insecurities are creeping up on me again. Never mind that I have already lost 32 lbs since my highest weight or that I have over two months to lose the last 15-20. I'm becoming what I warn other girls about, comparing myself to bikini models and feeling guilty about every calorie that goes into my mouth.
I envy the girl who posted this entry in May and said:
Something I am realizing that's true for every woman is that no matter what you have done in the past, no matter what you look like, no matter what kind of shape you're in, or what LIES people who love you have told you that have ingrained those doubts in your mind, YOU are worthy enough to be the best you can be. That doesn't have anything to do with a specific size or shape, it's about loving yourself and treating yourself accordingly. It's one of the hardest truths to accept, but so worth it!I need to find that girl and let her kick my butt. Not because I'm worried about what JT will think when he sees me naked (teehee), but because I'm not going to let this wanton fear of failure keep me from being my best. I guess what I'm trying to say is: I'm scared that if I try to be the best I can be, I will fail. But won't trying be worth it no matter what kind of efforts I achieve?
Want to know something ironic? When I wrote that post, I was talking about how I finally ran two miles. That was a HUGE accomplishment for me, given I couldn't run a mile without stopping until last spring. If only I could've foreseen my attitude on running now! Maybe someday I will look back on this post and say the same thing. Self, look at you now!
Planning a wedding has been both fun and challenging. It's hard making decisions about the ceremony and reception when I didn't dream of those aspects when I was a little girl; I always dreamt of the marriage itself. I know it will all come together in the end and it will be the best day of my life. Of course, part of that will be because the planning is over.
The weirdest thing I am scared of about the wedding: birth control. It's my fourth day and I am watchful of every calorie I put in my mouth just because I have heard horror stories about what it does to the female body. My mind is a careful balance of watching out for the symptoms and trying not to imagine them into existence, if that makes sense.
Lately, I have also been burdened for a friend in college, probably my best male friend I met there. For reasons that I don't want to share right now, we don't talk much anymore and it's best that way. Through the grapevine, I have learned that he dropped out of grad school and is spending time with a group of friends who are a bad influence on him. This is a guy I was in ministry with in college, so it hurts me to see him decline. There is, however, always power in prayer.
So that's my lot lately, or at least the little set of hardships that make my blessings that much sweeter. Rejoice in them with me, and I will let you know how awesome God is, or in what specific ways at least.
4 comments:
let me just say, YOU ARE NOT ALONE!! you know the struggles i have gone through and am going through myself with just being happy with myself, and although yours are somewhat different seeing as how you are GETTING MARRIED! lol, i think the love we have for ourselves is given from God, and he already LOVES US for who we are, but for some reason, we as women, cant get past the FEW insecurities that we have of ourselves because of media, tv, culture...whatever, but i too am going through the same thing, but i have come to give it DAILY to my Lord, and HE can take this burden from me leaving me with the strength and motivation to do what is first and foremost.....following Him and doing His will.... but i just wanted to let you know you are definitely not alone!! i LOVE YOU!! i think and pray for you guys everyday! i cannot wait to see your BEAUTIFUL face in 78 days!! ;) have a WONDERFUL weekend!!
Ha - you wanna know one of the insecurities I've had to overcome over the years? The fear of seeing disappointment on his face when he takes off my shirt & bra and realizes they aren't as big as they look clothed. :) Hehehe. But . . . it's just something I've come to terms with and had to realize that things like that don't matter when you're in love. He won't see it as a flaw, and neither will I view the things he's insecure about as flaws. And it will be true for the 2 of you as well. But, you are right, burdens are a part of life, and that is why it's nice to have Jesus to help us carry them.
Em
This was a very honest post. I feel sometimes people put up front when blogging. Thanks for sharing.
I will say a quick pray for you. I'm certain everything will get better. I know, that's not very helpful but I do know that saying a pray for you will be helpful.
i love you. thank you for sharing you life with me.
lets skype soon, k?
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