Pride and Purpose

The past couple of days, I've been having the postgraduate blues. I worked my entire life to prepare myself for the "real world," built a nice resume of work experience and academic achievements that probably dove into a shredder half of the places it went.

Now I'm back on the bottom with no predictable timetable, no light at the end of the tunnel. I am not a college student, but society doesn't see me as or treat me like an adult. My work treats me well, even if I juggle everyone else's scrap work with my own. It's just lonely being the only "young'un" here. Keep in mind, I do understand that everyone has to go through this.

Am I where I should be, or at least on track to fulfilling my dreams? Let's see, I've dreamed of being a marine biologist, a geneticist, an English teacher, a famous writer, a physical therapist. All of those things can still be mine, but when I try something, when I choose a particular path and feel like God is leading me there, it always dead-ends or takes a turn that's too sharp for me to follow.

I do have one very realistic dream. I want to start a magazine for young women. Girls who are in my position right now, whether they are in school or out of school. Anyone who wants to feel they are not alone in wondering if they're growing up the right way. The magazine will have different sections: fashion tips, cooking advice, biblical devotionals, a place for readers to express themselves through art/poetry/fiction, health challenges, columns about current events, advice about lots of things girls don't know about like investing and saving money and how not to get shortchanged at the mechanic's shop.

The magazine will have some kind of emphasis on being the Bride of Christ and growing into a godly woman. I want to help young women have the confidence that comes from knowing they are beautiful and prized and cared for by God.

I picture going to a cute little office with dark chocolate furniture and white accents. There are stacks of papers and photographs on the top corners of my desk, a little Mac laptop with layout spreads open in the middle. My office door is open and I can hear the girls I work with typing and laughing at the coffee bar. There's an assembly of couches and cushions in the middle of all of our offices where we have coffee, chat, read or edit, and talk about our next issues. This is a very realistic dream, as I said.

After my flop with physical therapy, after finding out that what I thought I knew I wanted wasn't what I wanted after all, I am hesitant to pursue something else. Do I go to grad school for print journalism production? Do I start freelance editing? Do I write articles and build a resume? I have writing classes -- they were my favorite in college -- I have some editing experience, but we all know what lines on a resume do for you.

I am peaceful about where I am right now. I feel like I am in the right place right now and my next step is out of my control. I know there's something more, and that God will lead us there, but it's just not time yet. What I wonder is how I can be happy with this little life I am building today and prepare for the future without living in it.

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