Epiphanized

Today I made a breakthrough in the quest to know myself.

You see, I have done a lot of things in this search for self. My senior year in high school, I focused on drama and music, and I wore black and wanted to be an opera singer. I was good at writing and loved to read, so I majored in English and loved every minute of it (well, except for lit crit and 5+ page papers). I chopped my hair off two summers ago

I have gone through spells of extreme athleticism, periods of time where I am meticulous about what I eat. Sadly, I can say the same thing about my faith: it's been intermittent, strong in short bursts of time and lethargic in others, but God's always been there and made Himself known. He is the only constant in this life. So every chance taken, every whim, every imitation of another person, every carefully-planned decision that affects the future and puts you on a different path with different people to love and be loved by cannot be counted on the way God can.

If humans kept this in mind, interpersonal relationships would be much different. Instead of seeing another as a rival, an acquaintance, an opposite, or someone who just sits next to you in French class, humans would be inclined to love because they recognize a mutual need to express and receive it. When people first meet others, they try to read them and wonder what ramifications this potential relationship will bring. Is this person smarter, richer, more attractive? Is she friendly? does he take care of himself? What's this person really like? Do I want to be like this person? People who aren't secure in their own identity don't have secure relationships. They don't introduce themselves to people and wonder how they can help this person, bless them, love them.

Ultimately, oneself can never be found, it does the finding. It's like a watched clock that never seems to move. If a person spends their time constantly searching for the set of characteristics that comprises them, then he or she will turn into a searching being, and that will be their identity. The only thing one can do is to keep their minds and hearts open, realize everything (except God) is always changing, and most importantly, one should never under any circumstances have expectations of what a self should look like.